How to improve to get a 7.5

[aeadmin]

The line graph shows visits to and from the UK from 1979 to 1999, and the bar graph shows the most popular countries visited by UK residents in 1999..

 
This line graph shows the growth of the population of elderly people in USA, Sweden and Japan from 1940 to 2040 as indicated on the x-axis. The y-axis indicates the number of people in percentage. The Americans are described by the segmented line, Japanese by the dotted line and the solid line for the Swedish.
In 1940 the USA had the highest number of elderlies with a percentage of 9%. Similarly, Sweden and Japan had almost the same percentage of approximately 5-7%. However, Japan’s population have slightly decreased to almost 3% in 1985 and started to rise up later. Interestingly, The US and Sweden populations have gradually increased to reach almost 14% in 1999. The old Japanese were almost 50% less comparing to the other two countries. From the legend it is expected that the aged Japanese number would substantially increase to reach it surpass of 27%. Nevertheless the US population will reach no more than 23% while Sweden will rise up to 20%.

Overall, we can infer from the line graph that the number of aged 65 and more people in the three countries are going to be quiet similar in the future.  

[aeadmin]

Hi Rania,

I obviously don’t have the task question with me, but it seems like you’ve written a well thought out response.

I’ve made some notes in […]

“In 1940 the USA had the highest number of elderlies [this is not a word] with a percentage of 9%. Similarly[you are using this incorrectly – “similarly compares what comes before and what comes after “similarly”, not the two things that come after], Sweden and Japan had almost the same percentage of approximately 5-7%. However, Japan’s population have [agreement – has] slightly decreased[tense – just write “slightly decreased”] to almost 3% in 1985 and started to rise up later. Interestingly, The US and Sweden populations have [tense again] gradually increased to reach almost 14% in 1999. The old Japanese were almost 50% less comparing [compared] to the other two countries. From the legend it is expected that the aged [should be “elderly”] Japanese number would [tense – will] substantially increase to reach it surpass of 27% [this is not good English – I don’t know what you’re trying to say]. Nevertheless the US population will reach no more than 23% while Sweden will rise up to 20%.”

You have a number of word choice, usage, and tense errors. This is nothing major. I’d say this is a 6.5 essay. With some cleaner English, it could be 7.5 certainly.

[aeadmin]

Thank u so much!

Here is the line chart that i took the information from.

 

You helped me a lot

[aeadmin]

http://ielts.studyhorror.com/writings/ielts-writing-sample-task-1-proportion-population-65-1940-2040/72

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• This reply was modified 2 months, 2 weeks ago by [email protected].

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